just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
