You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
