omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
