So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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