Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i out mim tonsoeep
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
