I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
