gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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