you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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