if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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