This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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