my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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