Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
