So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
i think i just lost a toe
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
