i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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