I can text with my tongue
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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