at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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