don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
