I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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