if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
