Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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