I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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