Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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