I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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