I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
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