we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
