I wanna passion pit in your ass
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. ðŸ˜
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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