We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
