i love accidental penises.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
