Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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