My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
