If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
