So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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