A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
