I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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