i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
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