i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
