Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
