apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
