I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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