That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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