Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
