even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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