He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
