I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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