im six kinds of drunk right now
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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