I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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