Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
