Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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