woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
