I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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