wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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