Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
