ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He called his prostate his "boner button".
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
