I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
